Originally written on September 15, 2021
For me longing is all about being stuck in the past or pushing towards the future. I forget that the present exists. I lose myself in replaying moments from my past using a cool old camera filter. It makes everything look crackled and intentional. I forget the details of the day or how I felt when I got up. I just remember the smiles, laughs, warmth and love. I let these mental home videos replay over and over and over wishing I could dive back into that moment in time. Longing pushes me forward away from right now. It imagines a place and time where I have everything I ever wanted. It shines a spotlight on the things that lack right now. It tells me to fill it up with things I don’t need but desperately want. All this longing and for what? To make myself miserable today? To forget that I once longed for exactly what I have right now? A tricky sentiment I’ve used to keep me a float in times of need. A life raft. I’m just not sure it’s brining me closer to land anymore. It may be pushing me back out to sea making me dependant on a fantasy.
